Flotation Device: Bittermen

Scanner's still working, so I took the chance and got another Flotation Device species made. This is another leftover from a much older project, and long ago were actually going to be villains for Wrecking Ball, a character I got from GoldBitter during my first OC Draft. As such, I named them the Bittermen to honor my fellow writer. TL;DR, they're bitter about everything. In Flotation Device, the Bittermen are the bad guys. Just, the bad guys. They are enemies with just about everyone, and out of nowhere will come to your planet to destroy or take something, usually entire worlds, or if they have to be specific, all the women they have cargo space to abduct. The Bittermen are short and cantankerous, fiercely territorial, mysterious, and belligerent. Everything about them is antagonistic, and if you ever need a villain for a story, these guys are the reliable option. They're an entire species of bad guys. Now here's an excerpt about them from Captain Mercury's blog.

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I've been asked a lot recently about the Bittermen. Questions like "how do you fight them?" or "what happens to the women they abduct?" or "why are they such assholes?"

I'll tell you now, if you haven't met the Bittermen, every nasty rumor you've heard about them is probably true, and you shouldn't try to find one any time soon. They're not Chaotic Evil monsters, in case you're wondering. Despite the legends, they're surprisingly lawful and unsettlingly clean, sterile even, about most things. I'll also admit that, despite how many I've fought in my years, I've still never actually seen them outside of their all-encompassing suits. Heck, for all I know they're robots. Your guess is as good as mine what they look like since I've seen conflicting reports about them from just about every biologist in the galaxy.

But, they do fill out their suits nicely. The men are built like stout barricades, very broad and very tough. Despite how short they are, they are durable and tenacious in combat, and when they swarm you with large numbers you're pretty much screwed. The females on the other hand are noticeably more lithe. Still really short, they're no less buxom and deliciously curvaceous. I don't know how they handle human atmospheres or oxygen, but they sometimes act like they need their suits to function regardless of atmosphere, so they might not be able to exist outside of their home environment. Hence the suits. To that end, the biggest rumor about them is that they steal the air from other worlds to facilitate their own biology, or to pressurize into something they can thrive in, etc. Makes sense since I've fought off plenty of Bittermen who were draining the atmospheres of entire planets, trying to leave them as lifeless boulders in space. Douchebags.

What I can say about their culture is that they have a lot of reverence, or lust, for humanoid women, which is why they abduct so many. Contrary to what you might think, females of the species run the show, and are usually in charge of major Bittermen operations. The women of other species seem to be more like a material commodity to them than anything else. I myself have had the misfortune of being captured by them, stripped naked and branded with a barcode – a fucking barcode, like I was a box of cereal or something! Then traded from one to the other like a trophy. Well, also a maid. Part of being enslaved by the Bittermen is you have to clean all their other nice things for them.

Ugh, I don't even want to remember prancing around in that troop barracks in that wisp-thin and revealing maid outfit, all of those little dwarves looking at my nethers because I towered over them– Fuck those guys! And then there was the discipline. Bittermen do the whole punishment roulette of forced nudity, spankings, bondage, chastity, etc. Don't get any risque ideas, either – these weren't as pleasurable as you might hope. They also loved doing that proxy victim thing to me, because I was a captive space hero. You know, when bad guys punish some other prisoner to keep the hero from trying anything funny. Hated that. A lot of girls in my stable got the rough end of a paddling just to teach me a lesson or some nonsense. Jerks.

If you're wondering how I escaped, well that leads into an important note about these guys. Bittermen have a huge soft spot for lesbianism. I have no idea why. Girl on girl is revered by them as some kind of divine gift from the heavens. In retrospect it was kind of easy escaping thanks to that. So girls, if you ever get captured by Bittermen, just find the nearest woman and make out with her. Full on, tongue and everything. Drives the Bittermen nuts, and then you can take them down when they're distracted. Just remember that they're not complete idiots. A few times I tried to escape and failed to take them down didn't end well for my bottom.

Otherwise, they are planet-looters and lady-abductors extraordinaire. They're thankfully not well-unified as an empire, but their independent factions are often individually powerful and have been a challenge to bigger forces all throughout history. Also unfortunately, they commit to wide varieties of villainy with no rhyme or reason, and just seem to want to take things away from their neighbors or punish everyone else because they're bitter assholes.

Either way, I bet some of you have your own theories on what they look like, so leave a comment below this blog. Who knows? Your guess might be right.
_{–Captain Mercury's Blog}

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That's all I got. I didn't draw them out of their suits because I wanted to hear what you guys thought about them. It'd be fun to get some theories on what they look like, but I haven't thought of a definitive answer so it's up in the air. If I had to say, the Bittermen are kind of a rebooted version of the Hadesians from the last version of Flotation Device, but I didn't want to go so far as to actually give them the same exact depiction, so these guys could look like anything.

Comment and enjoy!